Fairweather friends

S has had some friend struggles lately—well, with one friend in particular. This girl is what I would call a "fairweather friend." Up until a few days ago, I wouldn't have labeled her a "mean girl", but after hearing a few things she has said to other girls in the class, I might be changing that label.

The situation has been going on for a while now. The friend, who I'll call Melba, sometimes wants to play with S, and sometimes doesn't. They're learning how to write letters in school, and S will often come home with letters from Melba, either saying, "You rock! You're the best friend ever." Or: "I'm so, so sorry about yesterday! I want you to come over and play today." I've had many talks with S about how good friends act, trying to show her that Melba doesn't always fall into that category. But every time, S will say, "But she's not being mean to me anymore!" We even watched the American Girl movie, Chrissa Stands Strong, which is about standing up to mean girls. S learned a lot from the movie, but I still don't think she was willing to connect it directly to Melba.

On the whole, I think S is a very good friend. Of course, I'm not around her at school, but from what I know of her, she makes friends easily and tries her best to include people. (To be fair, there was one time when Melba got mad at S for tattling on her at school. I talked with S about how it's not nice to tattle on others, unless it's something dangerous.)

I still remember an incident years ago when A's cousin and her little girl came to visit. Everyone in the family met up at the pool and S was so excited to see her cousin Aiden. She took Aiden's hand and marched up to the other kids and said, "Everyone, this is Aiden. Does everyone remember her? Let's all play with her." It did my heart so good to see my precious little girl making someone else feel included.

Last Friday, S came home from school in tears. Once again, Melba had shunned her at recess. When she saw S crying on the walk home from school, Melba asked what was wrong. When S told her, Melba turned on her heel and walked the other way.

S was devastated. As she talked and cried, she told me of rather mean things Melba has said to other girls in the class. I explained to her what a "fairweather friend" is, and we talked about sticking up for other girls that get made fun of, and maybe inviting other girls to come along when Melba does decide to be friends. At one point, I expressed that maybe she shouldn't play with Melba anymore. S said, "I won't, Mom!"

It's not that I want S to be mean to anyone, but I worry that as soon as Melba flips the light switch and decides to be nice again, S will run back and forgive everything. This whole situation has made me think a lot about why we (especially women) let other people hurt us; why we let fairweather friends into our lives again and again; and why it's so important to be liked by the cool kids.

I also thought about a boyfriend I had once upon a time who did not appreciate me at all. He would go hot and cold all the time on whether he liked me. Every time he broke up with me, I cried and cried. But a week later, he'd change his mind, and I'd go running back to him. It wasn't until I finally woke up and ended it myself that I was able to walk away from the situation.

I'm so grateful that S does have good friends around her who care about her all the time, not just when she wears a super cute shirt. I'm so glad that I ditched the fairweather friends/boyfriends in my life, and found lasting, wonderful ones who stick with me in all kinds of weather. And it hurts so much that my kids have to learn the same heartbreaking lessons that I did—and all I can do as a mom is give them guidance, a big hug, and hope and pray they'll do the right thing.