After church a few days ago, I said to my husband, "I'm tired of dreading Sundays."
For months, I haven't exactly gotten much out of church. Between the babies climbing all over me and my older children speaking at volumes otherwise reserved for the schoolyard playground, my stress levels during sacrament meeting are not fabulous. And then we usually spent the next two hours holding babies, walking around the church with babies, and trying to keep babies entertained. To say that I was looking forward to when they would go into nursery would be a bit of an understatement.
Adding to that is the fact that we don't know very many people in our new ward. Everyone is super nice, but I really just feel like we go to church, wrestle with children, and go home. It's kind of depressing. And a few months ago, our bishop mentioned that callings were "in the works." At the beginning of the year, we got called to teach T's class in the Primary—seven four year-old kids.
So now we wrestle with our children in sacrament meeting, drop them off at their classes (a couple of times since A2 isn't exactly loving nursery yet), and then go wrestle with other people's children. And here's where the real struggle has come in lately. Our Primary is giant. There are four classes of four year-olds. Almost every age group has at least three classes. Each class has two teachers. It is very warm and loud and claustrophic in the Primary room, which isn't helped much by small children climbing all over me. I can barely handle my own children doing it. What am I supposed to do about other people's children?
I know this must seem very whiny, but I'm really in need of some help here. I want to enjoy this calling—really I do. I love listening to the kids sing and I love seeing what their little brains come up with next. But the whole effect of church these days is very tense, very stressful, and not at all conducive to the Spirit. And of course, we're at the 1 pm timeslot this year. Of course.
I used to get after my husband for not having a good attitude about going to church. I told him that even though it was fairly awful, maybe having a positive attitude might help. Unfortunately, it doesn't seem to. I will keep trying to have a positive attitude and look for small ways to feel the Spirit, but I'm really struggling with it.
Next week, we get to speak in sacrament meeting. Now that should be interesting.
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11 comments:
Hmm..I wish I had a magical answer. I struggle with the same feelings too. I wonder sometimes if it has to do with having to be dressed up. I might handle things better in a ponytail and sweats!!
Hello lady... I'm going to give you the selfish, not-the-most-righteous response... because I'm a selfish and not-the-most righteous kind of girl sometimes... but if I were in your situation, I would ask to be released from Primary and request a calling in Relief Society, where you can get to know some sisters and begin feeling more at home in your ward.
*COMMENCE GASPING & CLUTCHING OF CHEST*
I know, I know, there are MANY people who would never dream of doing that (and maybe you're one of those folks)... but when it comes to ward callings, I believe there are times in our lives when it's ok to be honest and say: "This is my situation... and I would really love to serve, but I want to serve in a way that helps me feel more fulfilled in my own life as well, because I need that right now."
Although too many women think otherwise, there's NO SHAME in acknowledging your needs, and framing certain areas of your life to accommodate those needs... even serving in the Church.
Just my slightly-controversial two cents. :) Good luck!
I don't necessarily disagree with the comment above, but I have a slightly different point of view. The problem is that SO many members turn down callings in the Primary and nursery because they do feel that way. It's really hard to find people willing to serve in primary and nursery! That being said, I do understand how hard church can be with kids, and then to take care of other people's children can be truly draining.
I have been a nursery teacher 3 times, all while having young children of my own, and also have served as a primary teacher several times. I was just called to be in the primary pres. for the second time in 2 1/2 years. I feel like most of my time in any calling has been with young children. It CAN be hard, but I have grown to love it so much!
It's hard to know what advice to offer except to hang in there and maybe you will end up loving this calling as much as any other. Maybe see if your primary presidency would be ok with you and Adam trading off going to your regular classes during sharing time. We have had people do that before. That way you could attend Relief Society every other week and get to know more of the ladies in your ward.
Sorry to be so long winded. I think you are awesome and every time I saw you out in the halls with those babies, I have admired your strength and determination!!
First off Tennille ,I FEEL your pain. I was there at one point too (of course, I've never had five children, and I've never had twins) :). But I have a theory that most moms of small children experience this frustration at one point or another because church does seem completely focused on entertaining or keeping children quiet and there is just nothing you get out of it.
So the first thing to note (of which I am sure you've already realized) is that this too shall pass. I personally believe that sometimes the exercise of just continuing to go and making the good faith effort counts for a lot as you navigate these years.
Secondly, they did something similar to me where I had k-squared so close together and by the time I got them both off the nursery finally, I got called into primary. I was NOT excited. I told myself I would give it a year and if it was still so hard for me I would ask to be released. I figured I could handle one year. As it turns out, I was called into YW right before my year was up.
I agree with Kareen that there is nothing wrong with asking to be released if it really is going to damage your spiritual health at this time in your life. I also see Dani's point since you have such a huge ward filling primary callings can be difficult. But I have never agreed with sticking new people in the ward into primary where they don't get to meet other adults and they feel lost and forgotten. And it happens all the time.
I have a theory with primary - I think they should call men to sit in the sharing time hour (only one hour - not both) and then call women to teach the classes. That way they don't have to do 2-deep in each class like they do with the men, and the men could just sit scattered around sharing time to keep the kids quiet and focused. And that way, every man and every woman would get at least one hour of adult sunday school or RS/priesthood each week. I think that would make such a difference. But alas, that is my own personal opinion.
So to wrap this blog-post of a comment up, I think the best thing if you think you can try without asking to be released is to give yourself a time table and know that at the end of it, if you need to be released that's ok because you've given it a good faith effort and you need some change in your life and spiritual growth. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that.
And I would try as best you can to make Sundays a special day (beyond what happens at church). Maybe that's the day you pick a family movie, or you take a long bubble bath at the end of the night, or you bake cookies you enjoy on Sunday or something. Something that you look forward to all week long so that Sundays become something to be excited about instead of something to dread.
Good luck - know you are not alone in this - I believe we all have strong times and weak times and if we just keep trudging forward we'll find we're suddenly at a strong place without even recognizing how we got there.
Love you!
Sometimes the only thing that gets me through 3 hours of wrestling solo is the promise of some down time afterward. Since you don't have a lot of afterward with the 1pm schedule, try getting everything ready for church before Sunday so that you can have some down time before church--fortifications before you head off into battle, so to speak.
And pray. Pray to feel the spirit, to feel the ways the Lord is trying to fortify you and mostly, pray to feel that this offering you are giving is acceptable to Him (and if it's not, to know what you need to change to get it there).
But mostly, accept that for this season of your life, church is far more about service than about personal nourishment (and that you need to find your nourishment elsewhere or you will starve). You are serving your children by teaching them that church is where we go on Sunday. You are serving those four year olds by giving them a safe place to learn about Jesus and to reaffirm what their parents are teaching. You are serving their parents by reaffirming what they are teaching. You are serving your primary president and bishop by being dependable and fulfilling your stewardship. All this service is exhausting; you know I KNOW exactly how exhausting, but it brings great blessings.
And speaking in church gives you a perfect excuse to call the YW pres and ask for the names of some young women who might be able to come and sit with you during A's talk and with him during yours. This will help you meet more new people.
I love you. Your friends are right when they say this will pass (well, I'm hoping it will pass, I don't exactly know from personal experience, yet). In the meantime, perhaps we can all benefit from some deep breathing exercises?
I feel your pain. I had been in primary for 7 years and just moved into yw recently. While we were living in CT I was in primary, working at preschool and wrestling with my own 2 little monkeys. Honestly, it taught me that I actually DON'T want to go back to school to get my master's in school counseling. When I do go back to work or school it won't be to work with kids!!
Anyway, enough about me. I have no idea who to make it better. Moving into a new ward is super hard and I think that it just takes some time to get into the groove. Being in primary makes it harder for sure. I hope it gets better for you soon and if you find the key, let me know because in about a month I'm going to be doing the single thing at church again for the next 3 years. My chest just got tight.
Wow, what a lot of great comments and insights. Your post brought back many frustrating and exhausting Sundays when our kids were little and even when they were not so little. I guess you probably don't really want to hear that it does get better. What you are doing is no small thing! Never measure the worth of what you are doing by how little you may feel you are getting out of it. You truly are laying an incredible foundation, brick by brick, week after frustrating week, you are building something truly great. You truly are putting oil in all their lamps drop by drop and yes, even in your own lamp though you may not feel very "bright and shining" by the end of the day. The oil is there and I promise you that one day you and your children and your grand-children's faith will burn brightly and will be able to endure the dark times because of what you have done. I have no doubt of that!
One thing that used to help me feel a little more replenished after a tough Sunday was to get to have something good to look forward to on Monday like going for a walk with a neighbor or working out with a friend where we could both dump our buckets and talk about our kids, the scriptures, books and/ or all the problems in the Universe.
As far as the calling goes I remember one time when I had been teaching Primary for almost two years and I was feeling weary. I remember I was on my way to go into the class and I really didn't want to go and it struck me that this was a singular opportunity in my life to show the Lord that I was doing something just for Him since I felt like there was absolutely nothing about doing it that was for myself! (Pretty sad I know.) But it brought me a kind of satisfaction to know that I could be sure that my offering was purely out of love for the Lord since I didn't feel that there was any self interest in it at all. I was released shortly after that - I'm not sure if that was because the Lord had accepted my offering or because he thought it was pretty pathetic for anyone to feel that way. Anyway, things should get better soon. You are right in the thick of the worst of it. The kids will reach an easier age soon and you will get to know more people in the Ward and other opportunities will soon come where you will once again be able to use the myriad of talents that you are so blessed with. It isn't easy. In fact, I would go so far as to say there aren't a whole lot of things in life that are harder than what you are now doing. Just know that there are also not a whole lot of things in life that are more important either. You are amazing to me. How grateful I am that my grand-children have you for their mother!
Good Luck. Since I broke my tail bone going to church has been a real pain. We have been in the ward for over a year now and they are still not very friendly. I wanted to get a calling that would make it worth going, I got called to Activity Committee which is not easy since M is in soccer full time and I can't even go to book club during the week, let alone the monthly potluck our ward has to bring us closer, but at which no one sits by us and saves places so we can't sit by anyone. SO I feel your pain. Hope it gets better! Oh and the pictures of the twins with iphones? Priceless!
Wow. So many comments! I can relate to your feelings about Sundays. I was put into primary soon after moving into our new ward. And although I love my ward, primary is a different little world where you just don't have much adult interaction. When they gave me a calling in primary, I cried. I wouldn't refuse it, but it was very depressing to me. I am still in primary and I still struggle, but there was one thing that did help me. The primary president came to talk to me a while back, and asked that the teachers would pray for the kids in the class, individually and by name. There were specific kids in the class that drove me crazy, and made me not want to teach or even go on Sundays. But I went anyway. After receiving this counsel, and actually doing it, there was without a doubt a difference in the way I felt about those children. Even though I would've still rather have been in relief society, I felt a love and concern for the children that I did not feel beforehand. I was also told by a patriarch, to ask for a priesthood blessing to help me in my calling. I am still in primary, and still looking forward to being in relief society. :)
I do think it should be against church policy (unless unusual circumstances) to call new members of the ward to primary callings. I think it should be at least a year or 2 before primary callings should be given to new members of the ward. I don't think anyone will ever implement this, but I even felt that way when we were in relief society. I always felt bad for the new sisters who were quickly put into primary. Good Luck. I hope that time will pass quickly, and you can enjoy your new ward.
Hey Neelie,
You know I can't provide insight into dealing with kids and church, but I'm praying for you. I can relate to feeling lonely at church in a new ward. When I first moved into my current ward, I knew a few people but still felt very overwhelmed and alone. I asked for a relief society or activity calling to meet people. Instead, I was the employment specialist for 2 years. Not the easiest calling as some people don't even want to admit they need help. Kind of isolating. But I survived and when I felt I couldn't do it anymore, I talked to my Bishop about a change. Maybe you could set up an appoinment with the Bishop to talk about your concerns. I liked one of the comment suggestions about finding a way for teachers to rotate. Maybe suggest/ask for another couple to be called for your class (or even recommend the Bishop call a few "backup" teacher couples) to rotate the teaching duties. I know you can handle it! I love you tons, kiddo.
I had to speak in church on Sunday and when it finally came my turn I literally ran up to the podium, my heart pounding with joy, not nervousness and expressed how excited I was to be there, standing in front of the entire congregation instead of sitting on the pew with my kids... it is rough stuff, but you got great advice here from everyone and so you just need to pick what you'd like to do. Good luck.
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